49ers Predictions

After doing some deep soul searching and consulting with a program that I wrote to scan the internet in order to determine the collective subconscious and hence the future (by the way, there is a lot of sex in the future). So I've found out that Mike Nolan's ballsy moves to get some top notch players will be well worth it. I'm predicting that their season record will be 43 and 5. Yes, I all know what you're thinking; how could they possibly only lose 5 games, well you see the new additions to the defense and the new wide receiver deep throats that they picked up will to fill in all the holes that they had last season. After the new league rules removed all restrictions on cannibalism, the season was shortened to account for the fewer players that were remaining after many were eaten. This led to fan outrage which resulting in the overthrow of the Albanian Embassy located in Fort Dysentery Colorado (the fort had been established after an attack on the United States by eBay). This led to the season being extended (click here to extend yourself) to keep people's minds off the ravaging horde of crazy college coeds going crazy on spring break. This all led to Paris Hilton making a sex tape and K-fed being named the ruler of the known universe. This will invariably lead to chaos and eventually the downfall of mankind despite K-Fed's deft political leadership, for his even twin brother F-Ked will seek to undo all the great work of his brother including universal healthcare, free money machines, and giant candy trees planted in every neighborhood.

Thus the 49ers will be able to get their first LomHARDi trophy in 12 years and be named the kings of Holland, which will prove to be rather valuable if not tight on the salary cap of 3 nations under your dominion per season.


And now you know the rest of the story.