Sorry about that

I've been lazy and haven't updated. Right now I should be working on a lab but I'm not because I got a lot of it done. If you were expecting something funny too bad. I've got all this work to do with my new movie coming out...

Feb 19th, 1815

Dear Diary,
Today was my first day on the unenviable ship, the Red Partridge. After spending all day in the Crow's nest, I feel my stomach to be in terrible knots. I wonder if these pirates will ever let me off their terror ship. They claim they will return me to the next port where if they have not received the ransom money, they will deposit me in the employ of a Hans Dickerson. I hear he is kind but I will be forced into a business of most questionable repute and as such I am quite nervous. I just hope that Pa and the others are able to gather up the money that they required. They whip me mercilessly during the day and perform unmentionable acts at night. If only I could reach someone to help me. Someone, somewhere out there in the ocean. Note: Put message in bottle.

So they are not completely heartless, they did set me up with this sweet T-1 line and I've been playing a lot of WoW and let me tell you my Dark Elf is totally bitchin with that epic bow. Anyway I think the captain has a thing for me. I caught a sidelong glance or too to which I responded with a rosey cheek (the proper ladily response) but alas, it all seems hopeless. I mean I just can't beat that dragon in the cave in the dwarven kingdom. Dammit.

Yours Eternally,
Robert "Red Eye"

Unfortunately....

I've been shanghaied by pirates.

Apologies

I would like to apologize for that newest poll. I should have never asked all those castrated Neo-Con KKK members. I mean so much high pitched whining and such well matched bedding over their heads... I mean c'mon everyone knows keeping the liberals out is more important than the War on terror.

Newer Magazine

Finally a magazine for ME

Newest Poll Results

This just in from the Amble Poll (Screw you, you no good hillbilly punk ass). I would however first like to apologize for the previous poll. I should never have hired the mafia to ask those questions from those poor shopkeeps... I mean 3% approval, that's ridiculously inflated. Here are the newest results:

What issue is most important to you in the upcoming election:
14% War on Terror
10% Keeping 'em West Coast San Francisco Liberals out of Office
76% I have no testicles

Political Commentary #1: Why I Think Baraka Obama Can Finish Them

So there are a lot of Reasons why I think Obama can win. First of all being a Tarkatan Warrior has its advantages. Some say he's young, but he has experience. Living in Outworld, he aided Shujinko in gathering the Kamidogou, ancient powerful artifacts that the Dragon King tricked Shujinko into gathering for him. Despite this deception, Obama was able to benefit from the endeavor in that he learned many of the techniques that make his current fighting style so unique and successful. Everything from eye gouging to vicious limb removal has all been added to this Kombatant's repertoire. Will he be able to overcome the aged old Shang McCain or Sen. Sonya Clinton? I think so and with weapons like his, who needs an army.

Let's face it, he alone could over to Iraq and they'd be like Sh*t! Look at that guy. He has freaking blades in his arms, that's awesome. Hence we world's view of us would be transformed and we could finally be recognized for our great accomplishments like jazz, beatnik poetry, and breeding genetic hybrids to do our battle for our amusement.

"I think he's the right man for the job." -a headless torso on the street

With endorsements like that, it's hard to imagine him losing, unless of course someone gets him stuck in a corner or keeps doing that sweep kick thing.

Mwahahaha

Toasty!

New Magazine Just Launched

Check Out this totally real magazine I ma.... found.

Newer Poll Results

I would first like to formally apologize for that last poll, I shouldn't have called all those people in Africa and the Oregon Trail era. (Come on Al Gore isn't even running.)

Now new results of the Canter Poll. (Get it this time jackass?)

Do you approve of President Bush's Iraq War Policy?

3 % Yes

6 % No

91 % For the love of God, please stop beating me. There's blood everywhere and I've lost part of my nose.

New Poll Results!

This just in, the Trot Poll (get the clever allusion to the gallup poll? hehe.... No?! Screw you).

Who do you think will win the Democratic Nomination?
23% Barack Obama
25% Hillary Clinton
20% Al Gore
32% I have dysentery

Headache

Have you ever had one of those headaches that feels like there is a drill boring into your head, slowly liquifying any brain matter left in the fragile bone cage you call a skull?

No? Me neither, but this drill sure hurts like a bitch.

A New Updated Look

So Yeah I changed the site slightly. If you didn't notice, then screw you. You suck. Now that I don't have any ads, I can go uncensored. Be prepared for a lot of this kind of stuff.

Another Update?!

Yes, I know I'm spoiling you with my delicious bloginess, but I do it because I love you so much so let's begin with what will invariably be another comedic masterpiece that will have everyone rolling in the aisles and declaring my their king (trust me that whole monarchy thing is coming back into style and when it does, these bell bottoms are going to look awesome)

So long story short about an update on what I've been up to, I found out that a bunch of circuit stuff stuck together with some complicated equations and Microsoft Excel combine to make a radio or something equally lame that would have made a guy from the 19th century crap his pants. Unfortunately for me, this is all just a lot of hard work and my pants remain clean.

Aside from that I've got some midterms coming up which is always a riot (not in the colloquial sense) and now on to the good part of the blog, the part with all the good jokes in it:

1. This list sucks, in fact all lists suck. Show me a list and I'll show you an object that sucks (except shopping lists, those are useful. You wouldn't want to be without one or else you'd be listless).

2. Yes I just made not one, but two list jokes. Kinda sad huh? To cheer you back up think of a blind cat walking off a bridge.

3. That one was uncalled for and ridiculous, cats rarely have occasion to use bridges and when they do they tend to be crappy ones that their owners built for them. Damn spoiled cats, no one ever goes and builds bridges for me to use.

Robert's Rule #2: Anyone who is caught dressing their animals in clothing is to be shot and have all their money taken away because they obviously don't know what to do with it. In fact, we might as well wipe out all of Orange County for that matter.

Well that was disappointing....

When Do I Update?

Short answer: When I should be writing my history paper. I'm supposed to be working on my paper for my antebellum history class but today I'm just exhausted. I've pulled a lot of long days this and last week and I just can't get motivated to write this paper even though it is only 500 words. It's pathetic I know but I'm just having difficulty getting started. So instead of working on that I'll fill you in with what I've been up to.

Well first of all I've been working a lot on various physics stuff and am struggling trying to find enough time to do anything. I'm going to have to work some stuff out but here's a quick synopsis of what I've been up to:

1. I underwent some exhaustive medical procedures to imbue me with the powers of the ant because let's face it ant's could totally get a lot of sugar then.... PROFIT!

2. I went and got a job at 7-11 unfortunately I found out that contrary to the name of the store they don't sell any July 11th related merchandise. Also no porn.

3. I went to school and took a bunch of tests, luckily they all came back negative all though I didn't think you could get that kind of score on a math test.

4. That previous one was obviously false, I'm not taking any math this semester.

5. However I did find out I am on the fast track to becoming the next marketing spokesman for Quizno's. To combat Jared who lost weight, they're using me to show how someone can gain a lot of weight eating their sandwiches. (PS that wasn't a joke, jokes are funny)

6. I made a list of things that I did recently and added them to my blog.

7. The list continued into the future where it mentioned an unfortunately embarrassing encounter between myself and a sea otter.

8. Also Porcupines, those guys have no sense of humor, just spines.