Mood: Pensive
Soundtrack: Frou Frou Details
Well, I finished my work for tonight and have about half an hour before I can call anyone so guess what, this is the time of the day that I started this blog for. I have two weeks to go and then all I have is finals. Ever since I got that physics midterm I've been studying pretty hard core everyday, but I did take a break for the Thanksgiving Holiday. I have my 3-hour math final at 8 am and then an hour break followed by my 3-hour physics final. It seems like that should be a fun day. I haven't really seen all that much that is rant worthy lately so o well. Recently I haven't been up to too much other than homework. Over thanksgiving my mom bought us an early Christmas present (x-men legends 2). It's a pretty awesome game except that they only put cable in the psp version which is pretty damn annoying. Oh well. I've all but completely decided to be a physics major which makes me rethink the whole math 104 over the summer thing but we'll see about that. In other news, I was going to go to Germany with Mel this winter break but that got pushed back to next year because I just need to be home this winter break. I know that my mom misses me a lot even though I come home often. I don't get a chance to spend too much time with her because I'm normally out with Mel. I also have been worrying a lot about my Grandfather on my Mom's side. He's had cancer for a while and is pretty sick. We had thanksgiving over at his house this year but he couldn't spend it with us because he was so tired and uncomfortable. I don't know it's all been pretty hard on me I guess. I've never had to deal with anything like this before. My Grandfather was always someone that I looked up to and he just always seemed so invincible. Up until he started getting really sick he could easily out arm-wrestle me and could pick up more than I could. A little over a year ago at over 80 he reroofed part of his house. It's just crazy. I see him every weekend for about an hour or so. I remember when it all started. It was a couple days before my birthday last year. We heard that he was in the hospital. He had been in there once before years earlier for some reason I don't even really know. I remember because I skipped school by pretending to be sick to go visit him but then they wouldn't let me because they thought I might infect him. We found out it was cancer not soon after we got the first phone call and initially we were all very hopeful. I mean he was in amazing shape for his age. He was built like a grizzly bear. He did get better and we were all so relieved but then later we found out that it had relapsed and my grandfather just didn't want to go through any more treatment because he didn't think it would help. I don't know, the part I remember about hearing about that was how goddamn dramatic my dad was about saying it. My dad loves drama and any chance that he gets to make a big show-stopping number of something he takes. To this day, every time we see him on the way home from a visit he always spends so much time talking about "yeah, this is for real this time" or "we don't have too much time left" or something like that. Every time he says something like that it just pisses me off. It's almost like he delights in it or something. I mean my mom is trying really hard not to be devastated by this and he keeps on bringing it up. And he is so callous about it. It reminds me of a time when I had a friend Steve-o. His longtime girlfriend had broken up with him and I about a month had passed and I told him to just get over it (At the time I had never even asked a girl out). I remember that when my first girlfriend broke up with me, one of the first things I thought was what an asshole I had been when I was talking to Steve-o. It just seems like my dad has no business bringing this up, it's not like he knows what my mom is going through. I mean it's hard enough on me, I can only imagine how hard it is on her. I dunno. I came home on thanksgiving and found my mom on the couch not able to sleep all night. She said it was so that she could leave early to go to best buy to buy Christmas presents at 5 am but I stayed and talked to her and she was just really sad about the whole thing. Having never dealt with death myself and having no firm belief in any afterlife, I just find death terrifying. Throughout history humans have deluded themselves with all sorts of different religions just so they don't have to be terrified of death. I just think of how when I heard that my Grandfather was sick, I wrote him a long letter for him to read in the hospital and while I wrote that letter I just felt so guilty. I felt guilty that I had taken him for granted, that I had taken life for granted. I'm sad, worried and also terrified.
Mood:...