Mood: Tired
Soundtrack: Coast to Coast AM

Well, it's been a long time since I last updated. A lot has happened this winter break. I didn't get to do everything that I wanted to do this break. I really wanted to get together with some people from high school but I just didn’t have time. My Grandfather passed away on December 18th. It was pretty hard on all of us. I did a really good job of keeping myself together. When my dad told me I told them that I would just go get ready and started a bath. As soon as I shut the door I just broke down and cried like I've never cried before as the sound of the falling water kept that away from my mom. Other than that I kept myself really together but it was rough. When we got there he was still lying there. The previous night we had stopped by and he was already pretty far gone. He was barely conscious but when my grandmother told him that we were there, he raised his hand to wave at us. It was the first real sign of consciousness he had given in a while and it was one of his last. We stayed with him for several hours and then headed home. Before we left I kissed him on the forehead and told him that we all loved him. The next morning, my dad woke me up and told me. I kept thinking about the last time I talked to him and how he really wanted to talk to me. I think he knew that it might be the last time I saw him. He didn't suffer and he went surrounded by people that love him. Since then, to be honest I haven't stopped thinking about him and I can't help but feel he still with me. I am a scientist by mindset but I noticed a few weird things. Shortly after he passed, my silver amulet that has a picture of an angel guiding a child and the phrase "Deus te guia (God Guides you)" on it fell and I caught it. The next day, a Christmas decoration of an angel fell down while we were playing video games and it fell again on Christmas day and we found it when we came back. Also, after I got home really late one night, I sat in the car for a really long time thinking about my grandfather and about the angels that had fallen. I then went in and got ready for bed and when I went to put my clothes in the hamper in the garage I noticed that the motion sensor light outside had gone on and lit up the garage. Now I go in the garage every night and we have had that light there for maybe 5-8 years and this is the only time this has ever happened. All of these things are easily explainable as coincidences but to me they mean something. Maybe that's because they have to for me and I need them to but they do.

This break I've done a lot of cleaning and have tried to do a lot of nice things around the house, tried to be like my Grandfather was. He was the most considerate man I've ever known. I've met a lot of people and I love a lot of people in my life, but he was the only person I ever truly admired. After he died we went over to his house and one thing that I had to do was figure out what every key on his key ring was for and I just thought that it was so poetic that I couldn’t do it. Also I had to find Krazy glue (which I know he has) and I couldn’t. The whole time I kept thinking how easy it would be if he was still there. I went and made a bookcase a week later, over in his workshop. He would have been proud but he also could have helped me so much. He only saw my bookcase that I made for my apartment when it was in the back of the van. I could have made so much more that he could have seen. I never took advantage of all the knowledge that he had that he was so willing to give me. I remember once I asked him for a pocket knife and he gave me a spare. It stuck a little and I was practicing taking the blade in and out and was purposefully showing how much it was getting stuck in hope that my grandfather would show me how to fix it, but instead he just gave me his which I still have to this day. I also have a letter R that we made together one time when I stayed over at his house. He was a craftsman who knew so much. He never had a son to teach any of his knowledge too and I think that I was the closest thing he ever had. When I showed interest in tools and was old enough he bought me a toolset set and gave me a lot of his hand tools. I always have and will feel guilty that I never got serious about any of that and that I always took him for granted. He was always so strong. When we 81, he redid a large part of his roof by himself. During Chemo, he popped out a wall and hung a 10 foot joice. After Chemo, when we put in the wall in the front room he was the only one strong enough to pull out some of the bent over nails. He was the strongest man I've ever known. I thought he was immortal. There will never be another man like him and I can only hope to be like him. There wasn’t a lazy bone in his body. Right now, I think of him a lot and I can't think of a better name for my first son than Jess.